soka university of AMERICAAAAA

john and i just got back from a little weekend in southern california.  my dad wanted to visit claire and asked us if we wanted to meet them there — duh.  we dropped tippy off with one of john’s coworkers and jumped on a plane friday night.

i was under the impression that when you step off the plan in the orange county airport you are greeted by a camera crew and your reality tv adventures begin.  much to my chagrin, this was not the case.

we got there too late to really do anything friday night.  dad and claire picked us up and we went back to the hotel.  **let’s talk about the hotel for a moment.  it’s a sports club/hotel.  it smells like a pool right when you walk in, i felt a little nostalgia for the WAC.  the hotel staff all wear black track suits.  this made for lots of jokes, wondering whether they would make us take the stairs after we bought a muffin at the cafe, if we would have to present them with our calorie count at the end of the day.  the fire alarm at 4am we’re pretty sure was just a rouse to make us walk down 5 flights of stairs.

on saturday we (dad, christine, cara, john and me) picked claire up and drove to north hollywood (studio city, technically, i believe) to visit my great aunt and uncle, and my second cousin, none of whom i’d ever met.  bob is my dad’s dad’s brother, younger by 15 (more? 18?) years.  i didn’t even know he existed until a few years ago.  he and my grandpa were obviously not close, and it sounds like moved to california and never looked back.  i’ve heard that the family considered him sort of a black sheep, and you can see why within minutes of entering their house.  grandpa and his mother, salt of the earth, but you know.  uptight?  conservative, very conservative.  good simple folk.  wouldn’t fit in in california, not even in the conservative parts.  the funny thing is, they’re both collectors.  grandma bobbie and grandpa’s house is full of antiques — dolls, furniture, books, santas.  i mean FULL.  sort of a clustercuss of things they couldn’t or wouldn’t sell in their shop.  bob and harriet’s house has a style, full of stuff they’ve collected over the years.  sort of carnival-y, maybe a little creepy, but in a fascinating way.  a female mannequin wearing a santa suit, a GIGANTIC painting of six nude cowgirls, an old pinball machine, some kind of stiff plastic jacket on the wall in the bathroom.  each thing had a purpose, though.  you could tell everything was purchased with a specific home in mind for it.  everyone, but i think claire and i especially, were extremely impressed by their stuff.  i wanted all of it.  really, i want them to go to flea markets and furnish my house for me.  besides them having amazing things, they were the sweetest folks.  they took us to an italian restaurant (they split their time between their house here and their house in italy, so it was fitting), and afterwards harriet drove us by the acting school claire wants to go to this summer, and by an apartment complex she suggested for her.  you know how sometime relatives tell you to come visit when you’re in town and you think yeah yeah yeah that’ll never happen?  i would totally go visit them.

after lunch we drove to venice beach and walked around in the freezing wind.  we were expecting rain, but it was actually pretty clear.  we somehow managed to park a mile away from the actual shops, so we had a nice little walk there and back.  we stopped in a hat shop, dad and claire got some REAL cute ones (no – claire’s was cute, dad’s was…dashing…handsome…i get in trouble for calling boy things cute).  the beach itself was really dead because of the weather and there were no booths or anything.  it was still really really pretty.

after our walk we went to james beach bar and grill — the one where they eat fish tacos in “i love you, man.”  you wouldn’t guess it from the movie, but it’s actually kind of swanky!  we were maybe a little underdressed, and when we walked in they were like, “oh…you don’t have a reservation?  hold on,” even though the restaurant was EMPTY.  we were told we had to be outta there by 8.  i’d never been given a time limit at a restaurant before.  fortunately we made it with four minutes to spare.  the fish tacos were, indeed, delicious.

sunday morning claire showed us around her campus, which was GORGEOUS.  it’s really new and shiny looking, and it’s set up on a big hill so there are BEAUTIFUL views everywhere you look.  not a bad place to spend four years.

i have pictures, i just don’t have a camera cord.  soon, though, as soon as i get one — pictures, i promise.

now we’re back in the real world.  i’m taking five days off in march for my mom and claire to visit and i’m STOKED.  i don’t use the word stoked…ever…so that should tell you how hella excited i am.  ha, hella.  I’M IN SAN FRANCISCO IT’S COOL SHUT UP.

sad season

i’ve been tired.  now that the holidays are over work is monotonous and boring.  i start counting the hours before i even clock in.  it could also be because my hours have been cut a bit and i’m getting used to being home more than there.  everyone else seems to be feeling the same way, gloomy.  could be post-holiday doldrums, could be the rain.

i just read an article about how everyone needs ten minutes of quality sun time a day to make sure they’re getting enough vitamin d.  and when the sun peeks out ten minutes in a week?  it brings you down.  seasonal affective disorder?  i don’t think i’m depressed.  just heavy.  in need of ten minutes of quality sun time.  twenty minutes maybe.

no, a whole day.  one good day.

we’re going to aliso viejo tomorrow to visit claire, who has been in beijing for three weeks.  my dad and maybe another sibling or two is meeting us there.  oh what good news, you get to see you sister AND get some sun! you might think.  it is southern california, after all, laguna beach and all that.  no sir, 80% chance of rain on saturday.  IT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE.

there are two apartment complexes in pacifica that are about to fall eighty feet into the ocean.  thought you should know.

went to the rheumatologist today.  still no improvement from the meds, so he’s increasing my imuran from 50mg to 100.  he told me when he first prescribed it that he’d probably want to do that after a month or so, that 100 is a more effective dose but he wanted to make sure i’d tolerate it.  every time i go in he mentions the “biologics” (enbrel, remicade, the ones you see commercials about) as an option but doesn’t want to go there quite yet.  so far i’m getting by without pain meds, without prednisone.  i take tylenol a couple times a week when my knee is bad, but that’s it.  i’ve been very tempted to ask for prednisone a couple of times.  i know it could help a lot, but i’m not ready to have another prescription.  two is plenty.  something about seeing the bottles.  i also know it won’t do anything to fix the disease itself, it would just be symptom control.

i’m starting to relax.  i don’t know what’s changed, but i’ve stopped worrying every day about what joint is next.  i get the feeling that i already have what i’m going to have to deal with for a while.

well.  i should get something done, i guess.  going to the doctor doesn’t really count as productivity, and i’m putting off the store until after the weekend, so…laundry?  or i could watch modern family on hulu.  decisions.

p.s. i can’t wait until shutter island comes out.

Maternal death in California

Found through Jennifer Block’s blog, www.pushedbirth.com, I found this article about a maternal death study in California. In essence, the California Department of Health has conducted the first study showing an increase in maternal death that can’t be dismissed as “better counting of deaths.” They also found that previous culprits, like older mothers, obesity, and diabetes, only count for a fraction of the increase. The finger can now safely be pointed at clinical practices, most notably the cesarean, which now accounts for a third of all births.

Highlights (emphasis mine):

California Watch spoke with investigators who wrote the report and they confirmed the most significant spike in pregnancy-related deaths since the 1930s. Although the number of deaths is relatively small, it’s more dangerous to give birth in California than it is in Kuwait or Bosnia.

Main said scientists have started to ask what doctors are doing differently. And, he added, it’s hard to ignore the fact that C-sections have increased 50 percent in the same decade that maternal mortality increased. The task force has found that changing clinical practice could prevent a significant number of these deaths.

The best estimates show that less than 30 percent of the increase is attributable to better reporting on death certificates. Even accounting for these reporting and classification changes, the maternal death rate between 1996 and 2006 has more than doubled, Main said.

The state of California has yet to share the report with the public. Researchers say that, after reviewing the report in 2008, officials in the Department of Public Health asked for technical clarifications. Revisions were complete and approved in the first half of 2009…

“For every maternal death, there are 10 near misses; for every near miss, there are 10 severe morbidity cases (such as hysterectomy, hemorrhage, or infection), and for every severe morbidity case, there is another 10 morbidity cases related to childbirth,” Camacho wrote in an e-mail.

“You don’t have to be a public health whiz to know that we are facing a big problem here,” Bingham said.

Something has to change, at some point.

Right?

this rookie runs

one of my favorite things used to be to read the lyrics in the album insert before listening to any of the songs. it’s been so long since i bought a physical cd i’d forgotten.

yesterday i spoke some french to a woman in the store who spoke absolutely zero english. lots of french people come in, but they always speak better english than i do french. our conversation consisted of me explaining that since the 4 was too small i would get her a 6 and not a 5 because a 5 doesn’t exist. then i told her my name and to ask for me if she needed anything. there were probably four complete thoughts spoken on each side, and it’s the most i’ve said since i graduated.

today i bought this:

and i can’t tell you exactly why.

you know, at some point i’m going to be able to boil eggs without first looking up how. i’ll also go to the grocery store and buy more than breakfast food. today i bought: eggs, bacon, yogurt, apples, oranges, bananas, and lettuce. one of these is not like the others. i also got a cup of coffee from tully’s and had them use my travel mug (by “my” i mean john’s), which evidently held peppermint tea last, so now i’m drinking peppermint coffee. better than earl grey? bergamot flavored. mmm.

just now i took a little break to make some breakfast (at 2:45), and when i reached up to pull the cord on the fan to turn it off, the light fixture came crashing down. i dove out of the way in slow motion, sustaining a minor pinky cut, which may have occurred as i was cleaning up the glass. backstory: we changed the light bulb a few nights ago (by “we” i mean john) and as he was screwing the fixture back in we heard a crunch. we didn’t see any cracks in the glass, so we left it, hoping it wouldn’t crash down in the middle of the night. it did us one better.

i would really love for my meds to start working. yesterday i added a new thing on the list of things that are near impossible to do: cutting the fingernails on my right hand, because my left thumb hurts. as of right now the list is: pulling up tights (this might be the most random (can something have a degree of randomness?)), putting the phone to my right shoulder, sleeping on my right side (although this has gotten much better since the surgery), kneeling (except in one very specific position, with my right leg all the way bent and my left sort of out in front of me), squatting, and sitting with my left leg folded under me (which, i didn’t realize until recently, is how i usually get into bed). getting up from sitting on the floor is also a task, since i can’t put any weight on my left arm and not much on my right.

i’m through being negative about it for a while. that’s a very short list.

i think this next year is going to be one for the books. i have a pretty good feeling about it.

2009 Survey

Here is 2007 and 2008.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Had surgery.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Didn’t make any last year, won’t this year.  Plans, no resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?  Mary and Brian had lil’ (shouldn’t it technically be li’l'?) baby Reese!

4. Did anyone close to you die?  Michael Jackson.  Brittany Murphy.  Oh, did you say close to me?

5. What countries did you visit?  None.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?  Oh, there’s one thing I can think of.

7. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?  I got nothing here.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Hm.  I got promoted. I didn’t have a complete emotional breakdown over this RA business. Just a little one.

9. What was your biggest failure? i don’t think i’ve done much failing this year, and it’s hard to anyway when you’ve got someone keeping your eyes open and your heart warm.  (Same answer from 2007 and 2008)

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury? I’ve had more doctors appointments in the past six months than in the last five years combined.  Had elbow surgery, got a tentative RA diagnosis and started medication for it (that has yet to start working).

11. What was the best thing you bought?  I was pretty proud of John’s Christmas present.  I bought a lot of clothes.  A lot.  My favorite is maybe the denim Leifsdottir skirt.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  Both mine and John’s, I suppose, since we both got promoted.  Rachel and Dale got married, which definitely merited celebration.  Claire graduated high school and started at Soka.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?  No one close to me.  I don’t know, really.  The moments I spent being appalled and depressed were usually not caused by anyone’s behavior.

14. Where did most of your money go? RENT.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Being married to an awesome dude.  Reese.  Other things.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?   “Will You Return” Avett Brothers

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?  Maybe sadder.  No.  More stressed?
ii. thinner or fatter?  John says thinner, I say same.
iii. richer or poorer?  Richer, thanks to me now having a (full-time) job and John getting promoted.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  City things.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?  Going to doctors.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?  We went home for a quick trip, got to see everyone.  It was delightful.  And really short.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008? Every dang day.

23. How many one-night stands? Every dang day.  No just kidding, zero.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Right now, West Wing.  We also watched all of the Wire, which was bad ass.  Also Californication, Glee, and the Office.  Also Parks and Recreation.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nah.

26. What was the best book you read?  The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Haruki Murakami).  Now that I think about it, I can’t remember anything that I just loved.  I went back and read some things I should have read in high school.  Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Through the Looking Glass, Call of the Wild, 1984.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?  Avett Brothers?  Fleet Foxes?  Were the Weepies last year or this year?  I sort of rediscovered the Mountain Goats.

28. What did you want and get?  Lotsa love.

29. What did you want and not get?  Hm.  Nothing?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?  Milk, 500 Days of Summer, Once (well, it wasn’t “this year” but we saw it this year). Up In The Air was really good. Up, also.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?  We went to Hotei because Ebisu was still under construction (we’ve been since it re-opened and it’s AWESOME); I turned 24.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I don’t know, not having RA?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Fancier, more skirts and dresses than last year.  Heels, even.  Still though, solids, lots of solids.  Structure, cinched waist, cut and sew.  I have a lot more to say about this than last year.

34. What kept you sane?  Husband.  Oddly, working.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  Kevin McHale (aka Artie of Glee)!  Robert Downey Jr, duh.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?  I didn’t have much room in my brain for political issues.

37. Who did you miss?  Absolutely everyone.  Mom.

38. Who was the best new person you met?  Lots of girls at work.  Well, most of them I actually met last year but got to know this year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: I really don’t know. I’m probably in the middle of learning some lessons.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Helping the kids out of their coats
But wait, the babies haven’t been born
Unpacking the bags and setting up
Planting lilacs and buttercups, oh

But in the meantime we’ve got it hard
Second floor living without a yard
It may be years until the day
My dreams will match up with my pay

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from rented house, oh
We’ll collect the moments one by one
I guess that’s how the future’s done, oh

How many acres, how much light
Tucked in the woods and out of sight
Talk to the neighbors and tip my cap
On a little road barely on the map

humbug

the fact that christmas is a week away is completely lost on me.  i’m not much in the spirit this year.  i think working retail is scrooge-ing me.  that pun might be intended.

oh, wow.  john and i just stopped everything we were doing to listen to a screaming argument that our upstairs neighbor is having with his mother.  still going on.  apparently she thinks he’s been ordering her around, and he thinks that’s “bullshit.”  wow, he really feels strongly about this.  she’s also crazy and a liar.  he’s going to lose his voice going on like this.

i’m on an additional RA med now.  my knee started swelling up on sunday, and even though it doesn’t really hurt my rheumatologist wanted to add something now rather than wait for the one i’m currently on to start working.  the plaquenil that i’ve been on takes a few months to really kick in; it’s been one month and i haven’t felt any difference.  the new drug is called imuran.  it didn’t make me puke which is exciting.  i’m extremely ready to start feeling the effects.  i want to be a very, very old woman before i have trouble walking.

today i work 330 to midnight.  worst. shift. ever.  john is working from home though, so at least we get to see (if not talk) to each other a little bit.  i think i’m going to go get my bangs cut before work.  i let them grow out a lot and now they’re doing a swoopy thing, but i don’t think i’m into it.  i want my bang bangs back.

rambles.  i hate when i ramble.  must think of something interesting to say.

nope, sorry.  later gators.

the goings on

and so begins the holiday nightmare.  i mean, the holiday delight..ful…times…..

black friday was alright.  by “alright” i obviously mean that it was insanely busy.  fortunately i worked from 7-4, so even though we opened the store at 8 i didn’t get a full shift of busy hours.  for the most part everyone was in a good mood and it really didn’t seem any more hectic than any other day because we were so well-staffed.  the two weeks before christmas will get insane as well, but i think i’ll get through it

the elbow’s doing alright.  my physical therapy is pretty much finished.  they made a lot of progress with it the first couple of sessions but then it leveled out.  my range of motion isn’t considered “functional” on a clinical level, but there really aren’t many things i can’t do.  my extension is fine, it’s my flexion that’s pretty bad.  on a good day i can just barely touch my shoulder with my fingertips.

oh hey.  i love glee.  a lot.  don’t tell john, but i might have a little crush on artie.  a vocal crush, at least.  GENIUS.

quoi d’autre?  man, it got COLD outside!  it finally feels like winter!  unfortunately, here the winter means rain.  lots and lots of rain.  all the time.  never ending rain.  looks like it starts this friday.  THIS YEAR, i’m prepared.  fish oil, b vitamins, vitamin d.  i’m set.  maybe i won’t feel like dying this year when i haven’t seen the sun in three weeks.

gosh, time to figure out dinner.  this is one of those nights where we have no food in the apartment and nothing that can be delivered sounds good and the things that do sound okay aren’t worth braving the weather to go get.  ugh.  why can’t l’avenida just deliver burritos to us?

PT, withdrawal, ‘poo (or lack thereof)

the skin on my fingertips with NOT STOP PEELING.

stitches are out now, swelling gone.  still a little bruised around one of the incisions for whatever reason.  i had my first physical therapy session yesterday and it was AWESOME.  i’m able to stand with my arm just resting by my side and swing it when i walk, which i haven’t been able to do for a long long time.  as i was leaving the building i had to make a conscious effort to not hold it bent and still like i have been.  already there are things i can do now with zero pain that used to make me cringe.  opening doors, mainly.  pushing, punching, throwing (hey, you know, john gets out of line sometimes).  scheduling the next sessions was (is) an absolute nightmare.  my schedule, as schedules go, is very rigid, and this woman didn’t quite grasp that.  ”on tuesday i work until four, so i can do five” –”can you be here at four?”  no ma’am, i cannot.  we only scheduled four of the six sessions i need, i’m on some wait list that i think might be imaginary for the other two, and for two of the four i have i need to find shift coverage or work some magic on the zone charts.  we’ll see.

i mentioned something about percocet in my last entry, i believe.  i will never. never. never. take that shit again.  it fucked my world up.  john came home from work one day to find me in the middle of a full-blown meltdown.  the day after the last pill i took, i tried to go to sleep, but was experiencing what i’m 99% sure is restless legs syndrome.  don’t laugh, i know the commercials are kind of funny, but it was horrible.   it wasn’t just my legs, either.  it felt like something was in my abdomen, very low, creating the restless feeling.  no sleep whatsoever.  actually, that’s not true.  i slept enough to have the worst dreams (not dreams, legitimate nightmares) i’ve ever had.  one in particular, which i don’t care to go into.  it’s not even the content of it that got to me, it was the feeling that stayed with me.  the next day it stayed, the feeling and the creepy-crawly restlessness in my stomach and my legs, along with something new: goosebumps.  goosebumps about every five seconds.  emotionally, i can only call it dread.  i was convinced it would never end, ever.  i was convinced that i actually had RLS, that i would have to be on narcotics to sleep for the rest of my life.  i went back and forth between thinking (being certain) that we’d never be able to have a family, and that i was actually pregnant and it was part of what i was feeling.  sometime during the day i thought it might be percocet withdrawal, and even though my symptoms matched up perfectly with what i was reading online, i still didn’t think it would ever end.  something was blocking my rationality.  yes, i knew it was percocet withdrawal, but it would last forever.  i had absolutely zero appetite and ate nothing.  i was extremely exhausted from no sleep but completely unable to rest, which just compounded all of my emotions.  i cried off and on (mostly on) all day.  when john got home he took control of everything; got me in a really hot bath (which had the effect of numbing my legs and allowed me to relax a bit), made me eat some crackers to get my blood sugar up, and went around the corner to talk to the pharmacist.  she said that percocet has really fast addictive effects, but usually not this fast, not after four days.  i think the fact that my dose was the same as what they’d give a 200 lb man had something to do with it.  john gave me some advil pm and i managed to sleep that night.  the next day i still had goosebumps and shivers but most of the restless feeling was gone.  i mostly felt like i was getting over the flu, just exhausted.  emotionally, i had more of a handle on myself.  the dream still was creeping me out but at least i thought there was a possibility that it would go away.  i felt a little haunted by the dread feelings, but they were on their way out.  that night i slept again, and the next day i was probably 90% better.  now i’m normal.

seriously, though.  never again, not ever.

moving on.

hey, remember when i wrote a lot about the no ‘poo thing?  still going strong, although i thought i’d give a little update on my current regiment.  my hair is already a little prone to slick and grease, so i only use the apple cider vinegar every other time i “wash,” and when i do use it, i use a half teaspoon instead of a tablespoon.  i need to use the baking soda about every third day, or sooner if i work out or something (ha! like that ever happens).  the thing it’s really helped with is the volume of my hair.  it’s really fine, but also really thick, so it gets weighed down really easily.  when i was using regular conditioner it was a struggle to not have it look basically plastered to my head.  without all the heavy stuff on it, i actually have some volume without using root lifters and whatnot.  it also has a little more “grab” to it, which is nice.

n-e-wayzzz, work time!

la cucaracha elbow

not dead! survived surgery!  the ortho said it wasn’t as bad in there as he’d expected, although i suspect at least some of that has to do with the cortisone shot i got last month.  after surgery the percocet knocked me out (seriously — i slept for 24 hours).  by the way, the percocet prescription he gave me was for NINETY pills.  NINETY.  nine-zero.  dang.

today’s the first day i’m feeling a really big improvement.  i can use my arm quite a bit, but am still going to wear the sling to work so people know not to, you know, grab me by the elbow.  i have four little incisions above my elbow, only five stitches total.  still really swollen.  looks something like this:

is that too gross?  sorry. it’s actually from yesterday and looks a bit better.  the stitches look like little cockroach antennas, like bugs are peeking their little heads out of my arm.  that’s probably more gross than the picture.

more later!  work time!

shake your lazies out

i go to work and that’s it.  most everyone feels this way, i believe.  i’m pretty sure this way is better than the other way, which was boredom and isolation.  maybe it would be a little better if i had a regular schedule, or if i ever, without specifically requesting it, got two days off in a row.  i had last weekend off by request and this weekend off by fluke and i feel like doing absolutely nothing.  couch sitting, bath taking, scarf knitting, (blog writing).

in other news, our six weeks of summer here is coming to an end and the rain is about to begin.  relatedly, our heater doesn’t work.

i’m becoming a huge fan of manicures now that i know they’re only $12.  hello, pretty fingers.

i just bought a new pair of jeans (my first big denim purchase since working at anthro), and now am sort of regretting it because i want this dress.  i need one really good go-to fancy dress for the now-and-then fancy thing i do.  also i tried it on and it looks amazing, especially because the sleeves stay on the top of the shoulder and don’t do that drape-y thing they do on the form.  also it’s jersey.

i’ve got the wants lately.  trying to keep them in check and not spend away every single paycheck.  for example, yesterday i really wanted to spend fifty bucks on a puzzle. i believe i’d misplaced my mind.

i s’pose i should help my husband do laundry.  then i’m pretty sure i’m going to eat some leftover potato/garlic/pesto pizza.  indeed, i did say potato.  DELICIOUS.