PT, withdrawal, ‘poo (or lack thereof)

the skin on my fingertips with NOT STOP PEELING.

stitches are out now, swelling gone.  still a little bruised around one of the incisions for whatever reason.  i had my first physical therapy session yesterday and it was AWESOME.  i’m able to stand with my arm just resting by my side and swing it when i walk, which i haven’t been able to do for a long long time.  as i was leaving the building i had to make a conscious effort to not hold it bent and still like i have been.  already there are things i can do now with zero pain that used to make me cringe.  opening doors, mainly.  pushing, punching, throwing (hey, you know, john gets out of line sometimes).  scheduling the next sessions was (is) an absolute nightmare.  my schedule, as schedules go, is very rigid, and this woman didn’t quite grasp that.  ”on tuesday i work until four, so i can do five” –”can you be here at four?”  no ma’am, i cannot.  we only scheduled four of the six sessions i need, i’m on some wait list that i think might be imaginary for the other two, and for two of the four i have i need to find shift coverage or work some magic on the zone charts.  we’ll see.

i mentioned something about percocet in my last entry, i believe.  i will never. never. never. take that shit again.  it fucked my world up.  john came home from work one day to find me in the middle of a full-blown meltdown.  the day after the last pill i took, i tried to go to sleep, but was experiencing what i’m 99% sure is restless legs syndrome.  don’t laugh, i know the commercials are kind of funny, but it was horrible.   it wasn’t just my legs, either.  it felt like something was in my abdomen, very low, creating the restless feeling.  no sleep whatsoever.  actually, that’s not true.  i slept enough to have the worst dreams (not dreams, legitimate nightmares) i’ve ever had.  one in particular, which i don’t care to go into.  it’s not even the content of it that got to me, it was the feeling that stayed with me.  the next day it stayed, the feeling and the creepy-crawly restlessness in my stomach and my legs, along with something new: goosebumps.  goosebumps about every five seconds.  emotionally, i can only call it dread.  i was convinced it would never end, ever.  i was convinced that i actually had RLS, that i would have to be on narcotics to sleep for the rest of my life.  i went back and forth between thinking (being certain) that we’d never be able to have a family, and that i was actually pregnant and it was part of what i was feeling.  sometime during the day i thought it might be percocet withdrawal, and even though my symptoms matched up perfectly with what i was reading online, i still didn’t think it would ever end.  something was blocking my rationality.  yes, i knew it was percocet withdrawal, but it would last forever.  i had absolutely zero appetite and ate nothing.  i was extremely exhausted from no sleep but completely unable to rest, which just compounded all of my emotions.  i cried off and on (mostly on) all day.  when john got home he took control of everything; got me in a really hot bath (which had the effect of numbing my legs and allowed me to relax a bit), made me eat some crackers to get my blood sugar up, and went around the corner to talk to the pharmacist.  she said that percocet has really fast addictive effects, but usually not this fast, not after four days.  i think the fact that my dose was the same as what they’d give a 200 lb man had something to do with it.  john gave me some advil pm and i managed to sleep that night.  the next day i still had goosebumps and shivers but most of the restless feeling was gone.  i mostly felt like i was getting over the flu, just exhausted.  emotionally, i had more of a handle on myself.  the dream still was creeping me out but at least i thought there was a possibility that it would go away.  i felt a little haunted by the dread feelings, but they were on their way out.  that night i slept again, and the next day i was probably 90% better.  now i’m normal.

seriously, though.  never again, not ever.

moving on.

hey, remember when i wrote a lot about the no ‘poo thing?  still going strong, although i thought i’d give a little update on my current regiment.  my hair is already a little prone to slick and grease, so i only use the apple cider vinegar every other time i “wash,” and when i do use it, i use a half teaspoon instead of a tablespoon.  i need to use the baking soda about every third day, or sooner if i work out or something (ha! like that ever happens).  the thing it’s really helped with is the volume of my hair.  it’s really fine, but also really thick, so it gets weighed down really easily.  when i was using regular conditioner it was a struggle to not have it look basically plastered to my head.  without all the heavy stuff on it, i actually have some volume without using root lifters and whatnot.  it also has a little more “grab” to it, which is nice.

n-e-wayzzz, work time!

la cucaracha elbow

not dead! survived surgery!  the ortho said it wasn’t as bad in there as he’d expected, although i suspect at least some of that has to do with the cortisone shot i got last month.  after surgery the percocet knocked me out (seriously — i slept for 24 hours).  by the way, the percocet prescription he gave me was for NINETY pills.  NINETY.  nine-zero.  dang.

today’s the first day i’m feeling a really big improvement.  i can use my arm quite a bit, but am still going to wear the sling to work so people know not to, you know, grab me by the elbow.  i have four little incisions above my elbow, only five stitches total.  still really swollen.  looks something like this:

is that too gross?  sorry. it’s actually from yesterday and looks a bit better.  the stitches look like little cockroach antennas, like bugs are peeking their little heads out of my arm.  that’s probably more gross than the picture.

more later!  work time!

shake your lazies out

i go to work and that’s it.  most everyone feels this way, i believe.  i’m pretty sure this way is better than the other way, which was boredom and isolation.  maybe it would be a little better if i had a regular schedule, or if i ever, without specifically requesting it, got two days off in a row.  i had last weekend off by request and this weekend off by fluke and i feel like doing absolutely nothing.  couch sitting, bath taking, scarf knitting, (blog writing).

in other news, our six weeks of summer here is coming to an end and the rain is about to begin.  relatedly, our heater doesn’t work.

i’m becoming a huge fan of manicures now that i know they’re only $12.  hello, pretty fingers.

i just bought a new pair of jeans (my first big denim purchase since working at anthro), and now am sort of regretting it because i want this dress.  i need one really good go-to fancy dress for the now-and-then fancy thing i do.  also i tried it on and it looks amazing, especially because the sleeves stay on the top of the shoulder and don’t do that drape-y thing they do on the form.  also it’s jersey.

i’ve got the wants lately.  trying to keep them in check and not spend away every single paycheck.  for example, yesterday i really wanted to spend fifty bucks on a puzzle. i believe i’d misplaced my mind.

i s’pose i should help my husband do laundry.  then i’m pretty sure i’m going to eat some leftover potato/garlic/pesto pizza.  indeed, i did say potato.  DELICIOUS.

no joke.

i don’t think i can say what i’d like to without sounding profane and probably trite.  first, let’s put it out there that i do have a bit of a sailor mouth and have no intention or desire to change that, but i do know when it is and is not appropriate to drop an f-bomb.  i’m not entirely sure who in my life might read this, so i tone it down.  let’s also put it out there that i take my use of all caps very seriously.  you will not ever receive a text from me along the lines of “WOW IT WAS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU LAST NIGHT!” because if i got that text, i would think you were yelling in my face.  i like to sprinkle my caps, here and there, for both aesthetic and emphasis purposes.  given these two things, please understand that what i have to say about the david bazan show last night is quite serious.  maybe i am yelling in your face:

HOLY FUCK IT WAS SO GOOD.

SOFUCKINGOOD.

i want to go on, but i think you get the point.

nothing yet

let’s start at the start.

my elbow hurts.  ouch!  it hurts for a long time, until my husband says, “stop being a baby and go to the doctor.”  i also have to go to the doctor to get a vaccine waiver for school, explaining why i never got my second MMR shot (the first resulted in uveitis, which recurred when i was 12), so i think ok ok, i’ll mention the elbow.  i talk to the doctor (rather, the doctor’s FNP), and alarm bells start a-ringing in her brain.  here’s your vaccine waiver, now please go see a rheumatologist immediately.  i go to the rheumatologist, who says well, you know, doesn’t sound like RA to me, but let’s do some bloodwork to make sure.  here’s some naproxen and come back in two weeks.  in two weeks i go back and good news!  everything came back negative!  and wow!  this is so much better!  keep taking the naproxen and come back in two more weeks.  two weeks later, hmm.  worse again.  go see an orthopedist, because this looks like trauma.  i go to the orthopedist, he says goodness, sure looks like structural damage.  let’s do an mri to make sure.  after the mri (three weeks after…), he says you know what, you don’t have structural damage and this kind of synovitis means either rheumatoid arthritis or an infection.  you don’t have an infection, so you have RA.  synovectomy, methotrexate (the chemo drug? yes, the chemo drug), joint replacement surgery, etc. go back to the rheumatologist.  so i cry and cry, thinking i have a degenerative disease that is going to require me to be on immunosuppressants my whole life and if i’m really lucky, i won’t need a joint replacement when i’m sixty.  i make plans to see the rheumatologist (can we please call him a rheumi?), and in the meantime i consult to the internet who tells me lots of things.  like how RA almost always presents in small joints first, and always occurs bilaterally.  also how 15-20% of people with RA don’t have any blood markers for it, so it is a purely clinical diagnosis, meaning my original bloodwork with the rheumi meant pretty much nothing.  but there are also LOTS of auto-immune diseases out there that affect joints, so who knows, anyway?

which leads me up to today, when i go back to the rheumi.  he won’t say anything as far as a diagnosis, not even no i don’t think it’s RA.  he says that most of the time RA is diagnosed retrospectively, after they’ve found a drug that helps the problem.  this doesn’t comfort me even a little bit.  naproxen didn’t work, so now we do cortisone and celebrex.  we also re-do the bloodwork and add a chest x-ray.  if cortisone and celebrex don’t work, i go back to the ortho and he sticks a camera in my elbow and cleans out the debris.  if all he sees is inflammation and still can’t find a physical root cause, then we start drugs.

it’s quite frustrating.

i, personally, think tiny little aliens have taken up residence in my body and my elbow is their living room. possibly the kitchen.

getting better all the time

well.  after being flattened by a head cold for two days, i’m finally up and walking again.  it’s going to be tough getting through work today, but i seriously can’t call in again.  i need to buy cookies for whoever ended up covering those interviews for me yesterday.

i’m so glad i’m feeling better, because tomorrow i head to MINNEAPOLIS!  it looks like the weather is going to be gorgeous (high of 80!  my favorite!), and rachel has some lovely plans laid out for us.  however, dear rachel and fellow bridesmaids/future friends: i’m going to be pretty lame tomorrow.  i close tonight at work, so i’ll get home around midnight, and then need to leave around 730 to get to the airport.  i know that doesn’t sound that bad, but keep in mind i’ve been sick and haven’t slept much at all these last few nights because i’ve been coughing my lungs up.  i promise i’ll perk right up on saturday.

aaaaand time to get dressed for work.  ugh.

do what?

so many things!  gosh, what do you need to know?

work: i got promoted a few weeks ago, to an SCA (senior customer associate), which is basically a step between regular associates and managers.  i have keys (which makes me feel SUPER important), i get to carry around a clipboard and be zoned as the MOD for certain hours (although right now mostly during the slow, middle of the week days), i get my schedule a month at a time instead of week-to-week, and duh-duh-DUUUHHH i get to conduct new hire interviews!  usually only managers do interviews, but we had like four people put in their 2 weeks and everyone already has maxed out hours, so we desperately needed to hold open interviews.  i was in the office when they were trying to find a place in the schedule where two managers were available, but they couldn’t find one soon enough, so everyone kind of looked over at me.  i’m sure i’ll be at least as nervous as the interviewees, but it should be fun.  someone trusts my judgment!

claire: came into town this weekend!  i had to work all day yesterday, which was her only full day here, but i got to hang out with her on saturday and she and john bummed around town together while i was working.  i guess it hasn’t been that long since i’d seen her, but this was the first time i’ve really been struck by the fact that she’s a grown-up.  i feel like i was a solid wreck of nerves when i started college, and i’d only moved three hours away.  she moved across the country and seems completely unphased.  little sister not so little anymore.

tippy: scared the crap out of us this weekend.  she got into the compost and then had a horrible case of “garbage stomach.”  puking, bloody (like, really bloody) diarrhea…not good.  john took her to the emergency vet on saturday while claire and i went downtown (um, have i mentioned lately that i have the best husband EVER?), and $500 later he gave us a bunch of drugs to for her.  today she seems back to her normal self.  she even had a solid poo!

elbow: is still hurting.  BUT i had an MRI on thursday and should be getting the results back later this week.  the orthopedist seemed pretty certain that i would need some kind of arthroscopic surgery, but i’m holding out hope that it’s something we can fix some other way.  apparently most of the time this kind of persistent swelling is caused by structural damage, and most of the time structural damage needs surgery.  the naproxen helps with the pain and a little bit of the swelling, but it’s like bailing a sinking boat.  i’ve been on it for over a month now, and it’s pretty clear that it isn’t even coming close to fixing the problem, whatever it is.  hm.

today: is my day off!  i have about a million things that would be good for me to do today, but nothing that’s urgent.  get a few things from the store, go to the gym, do laundry, go to falletti’s and see if they really do have raw milk, get my prescription refilled.  k, i’ll get going.

love!

pushed

man, i love jennifer block.  she’s a journalist who wrote a really amazing book on childbirth called Pushed, and she has a blog where she links to all the articles she’s written in cyber-land.  anyway, the last couple she wrote i thought were uncommonly good, so i wanted to share.

THE PREGNANT ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM is about maternity care and childbirth’s place in healthcare reform.  REALLY interesting.

DISPATCH: BIRTH WARS is a really great breakdown of the current homebirth “debate.”

i freaking LOVE reading this stuff.  i mean, i usually end up angry or frustrated, but i can’t help it, i have to read.

oh, indeed.

i’ve been a horrible blogger lately.  sorry folks.

very quick update: the move is over; the unpacking/getting settled is most definitely not over.  most of my clothes are in a pile next to my bed, stacks of completely random things are floating around homeless.  i have a list of furniture we need to get at some point, because this apartment has WAY more square footage, but less closet space, so we need a new chest of drawers, new bookcase, stuff like that.  oh, and curtains to hopefully block out the noise from the bar right outside our window.  we also now know that our floors have hardwoods underneath, but they didn’t bother putting down a pad under the carpet, so we can hear every step from the apartment above.  but i ain’t complaining!  just now i’m thinking that i can’t find my mascara, so i need to go buy some…at our last apartment, that would be a 20 minute errand, maybe more.  here?  20 seconds!  walk out of the building, turn the corner, and there’s a pharmacy.  need a tomato for dinner?  grocery store right across the street!  need to ship a computer to your friend in minneapolis who desperately needs one?  post office right next to the grocery store!

anyway, pictures will come as soon as it’s not embarrassingly messy in here.  mom was here last week and helped us move.  it was sad to take her to the airport.  about two hours after i dropped her off dad, christine, cara and tom got here, so right now i’m about to head out and hang with them.

right, well that’s it.

the happenings!

ok ok ok.  so many things!

we found an apartment!  i hadn’t really updated here much about the hunt, but man, it’s stressful.  looking at craigslist twenty times a day, finding time in both of our schedules to see the few that stand out as possibilities, and then the disappointment when one gets rented before you could even get there to see it.  somehow, though, the stars aligned and a really amazing place fell into our laps.  here’s how it happened: a few weeks ago i saw an ad on craigslist for an open house in cole valley, but it didn’t specify the pet policy.  i emailed the poster to find out, and she emailed me back saying that the open house was cancelled because they already leased it.  bummer, but oh well.  so we continued our search.  on friday, i got an email from her again saying that the original tenant backed out and asking if i wanted to see it the next day.  i didn’t remember a thing about the ad, but i figured what the hell, and sent john to see it because i had to work.  i was anxious to hear how it went, but the girl never showed up to let him in.  he couldn’t get in touch with her, so again we decide to move on.  turns out she was in the process of moving out of the unit, had left her phone in it and got stuck in the north bay with no way to contact us.  ok ok ok.  so do we want to see it sunday?  yes, why not.  we were already seeing another place close by.  that place was okay but not amazing, but we still put in an application.  then we rushed back over to the cole valley place, and proceeded to jump up and down because it was so awesome.  cheaper than what we pay now, AMAZING neighborhood, WAY more space…just awesome.  plus a parking space that we can lease out if we want since we don’t have a car.  YAY!  the owner is on vacation so we haven’t yet signed a lease, but he approved our application and we’ve given our deposit to the on-site manager (whose nieces, by the way, wrote the song “going to the chapel”…seriously!).  we get keys tomorrow (hopefully), and if we get real ambitious we might paint on saturday.  YAAAAYYY!

elbow news: all of my blood work is normal; no auto-immune business.  naproxen is helping a bit, so i’m going to stay on it for another two weeks and then stop.  if it’s gone, fantastic, if it’s still there or comes back when i stop, then he’ll do the cortisone shot and maybe an mri.  he actually had me on the table to do the cortisone shot today, but after he started examining it he thinks the naproxen is helping enough that we should see if that keeps making it better.

life news: i have decided: stay at anthro, no school.  i just can’t come up with a good reason why i should be going into this program right now.  eventually we’ll be back in texas, and if it sounds like something i still want to do, i’ll do it there.  anthro is promoting me and i’ll keep getting full-time hours, so i’m just going to keep doing what i’m doing for now.

that’s it!  lunch time, then i’m off to work.