[full of it]

i imagine that yes is the only living thing

Posted in Uncategorized by susieyarbs on November 3, 2008

Today is a day for writing and hot chocolate.  It’s a dreary day that justifies my laziness.  Sometimes I feel tethered to the apartment, even though there’s always plenty to do (I live in San Francisco, come on), because I’m by myself, and let’s be honest, I’m not a loner.  But today I feel okay about it.  I’m spiting the weather.

I stumbled across Anne’s blog today (okay, I didn’t quite stumble, as I was preparing to blog myself, I remembered that Anne also had a blog, and I checked her facebook page on the off chance that she had a link to it, and lo and behold…), and it prompted me to re-visit my old blogger blog, which I haven’t written in since February.  I read the whole thing, which didn’t go back that far, and all it made me do was miss school.  I miss feeling intellectual, wondering whether I subscribed to existentialism, humanism, objectivism, absurdity.  Understanding Camus and Sartre (really understanding), drawing my own conclusions.  Do I have an arrière-boutique à la Montaigne, do I want one?  Along that thread, I heard Maya Angelou on the Today show a while ago talking about something very similar to that; she was saying that we all need to have a place within us that no other person can reach.  A place we don’t unlock for any family member, child, spouse, lover.  For her it is a place where we can all go to be alone with God, for Montaigne it was just a place where we could be alone.  A piece of yourself that can withstand inevitable life changes, so that you don’t lose yourself completely should you lose everyone and everything around you.  At first I hated this idea, because it sounds a bit like secret-keeping, but it’s just about retaining some identity for yourself.  So you’re never completely a wife, a mother, a daughter; there’s a piece in there that is just you, standing alone, not leaning on anyone else.  And doesn’t this bleed into love within existentialism?  You may love someone, you may feel compelled to build your identity around that person, but you should avoid doing that completely.  Personally, a huge portion of my identity rests in being John’s wife, but is there a difference between thinking “John is my husband” and “I am John’s wife”?  Who is in the center?  We are most definitely a team, we are JohnandSusie, but we are separate people, aren’t we?  Most of the time it doesn’t feel like it, but sometimes I look up and see his face, and I’m surprised that we are held so solidly together by something so amorphous, vague, and elusive as love.  And by choice, I shouldn’t neglect.  Yes, I’m quite deeply and firmly in love with John, but I suppose the existentialist in me has the choice of whether or not to act in an appropriate manner to support that fact.  I love him, so I tell him.  I love him, so I’m trustworthy and faithful.  I love him, so I stay.  Not that those are difficult decisions, by any stretch of the imagination; on the contrary, it’s the most natural thing in the world.  I’m not really trying to get to a point here; I just like thinking myself in circles.

Another thing I came across in the blog is presents-in-your-face day.  It didn’t happen this year, and even though we’re so far away now, I’d like to re-institute it…it wouldn’t have the same impact if we mailed the presents, but I don’t want it to die.  Or do I?  It doesn’t bring up the most pleasant of memories.  Or maybe they are pleasant, the bright side of a bad time.  Maybe we’d do well to forget it, maybe we’re all healed.

Do you have any idea how much I like Rufus Wainwright?

Ok, I’m supposed to come up with a Christmas list for my dad.  It’s so difficult, every year.  Am I asking for too much, too little?  Last year I felt guilty for asking for a computer, such a big thing, and ended up getting the computer and so much more, much more.  Dad sold the majority of his company this year and made out big, does that mean I shouldn’t feel guilty about anything?  I don’t know.  Wealth is a mystery.  Here’s what I’ve come up with:

  • Wii Fit
  • Yoga DVDs (Rodney Yee)
  • These boots (although it would make sense for me to buy these with my 40% discount)
  • Or these
  • XBOX 360 (or whatever it is that John’s been wanting…)

As for gifts between John and me, I think we’re going to get a new laptop and call it a deal.  Kisses will also be exchanged.



One Response

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  1. anne booth said, on November 4, 2008 at 6:46 pm

    susie, we are definitely blog buddies now! So glad to read your blog, it is a true bright spot so far on my day off! Can’t wait to read more. Know I’m missing you both and thinking about you today! i think a video chat is in store for us soon! love you, ab

    p.s. I love the boots idea… both pairs are ridiculously cute.

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