[full of it]

fool that i am

Posted in Uncategorized by susieyarbs on January 13, 2009

the holidays are over which apparently means i no longer have a job.  “susie, we really want you to stay on, you are amazing!  ps you won’t have any hours for another month.  hope you don’t depend on this income.”  today i returned the jcrew boots that christine got me and used the store credit to buy gray dress pants, a gray skirt, a navy blue dress, and patent yellow pumps, and gray tights.  i had no idea i bought so much neutral until just now.  i completely forgot to go to bloomingdale’s.  i went to gap body and got some underwear, because a few weeks ago john did laundry and said something like, “wow sus, you really need new underwear.”  somehow my pant size is getting smaller and my underwear size is getting bigger.  i held up a size small pair of underwear and thought, “absolutely no way is my butt going to fit into that,” but i’m wearing size 2 pants and size 0 skirts for the first time since high school.  so, paradox.  i didn’t go to anthropologie because i didn’t feel like it.  i still want to use the rest of my gift card to buy the black ag jeans we have right now.  i’ll still end up paying about $50, but i think that’s an ok price to pay for a good pair of jeans.

i took the cset on saturday and it blew my mind.  i thought i was prepared.  i was actually quite prepared, overly prepared, for the physics portion, but grossly underprepared for the earth science.  so detailed!  also, a lot of it was specifically about california geography.  sorry dudes.  i’m taking this test thinking, “shit.  shit shit shit, this is awful.” and also, “why am i doing this now, i’ll have to do it all again when we move.”  not the entire credential program, but the tests.  bah.  i’ll find out in a couple of weeks whether or not i passed.  if i do, it’ll speak more to my ability to make educated guesses than my actual knowledge of the subjects.  

sometimes i feel like going down this teaching road is like forcing puzzle pieces together.  it makes so much sense for me to do.  i’ll do it well, i’ll like it, i think i’m very well suited for it.  i’m patient, empathetic, and pretty damn good at explaining things to people.  i don’t know, i think it’s just that i might not be living up to my potential.  potential, what an awful word.  i don’t know, maybe i think people, my parents?, expected more from me (i have to say that if i feel that i’m not meeting their expectations, they’re just my own expectations that i imagine are coming from them. i probably did quite a bit of approval-seeking from my dad in high school and some of college, but he’s never expressed any kind of disappointment in me, ever.  quite the opposite, actually.  so.)  but really, what does it matter what my potential is if i’ll like it?  and, like i said, what i’m looking forward to most is not climbing a ladder or building a career, it’s being a mom.  so why wouldn’t i pick a career that’s well-suited to that.  there will always be a job for me, i can take years off and come back, i can work if i need to or not if i don’t.  i think i’m mentally on the defensive about this choice, like i need to have an answer ready if someone says something like, “wow, i always thought you’d be a doctor or a midwife or something.”  a couple years ago i was hanging out with some old high school pals during some kind of school break, i think this was right before john and i got engaged, and i said something about just wanting to be a mom.  the response from them was overwhelming–“yes, absolutely.  duh, that’s exactly what you’ll be.  perfect.”  so i feel good about that, at least.  and this shouldn’t sound like i’m having some kind of crisis or considering doing something different.  this is what i’m going to do and i feel good about. sometimes if i think about it, especially in terms of what i thought i’d be doing at this time when i was in high school, i cock my head to the side and scrunch my eyes.  really?  that’s cool.  although, in high school i never would have guessed i’d end up marrying john yarbrough, little brother of the next to nothing guy, uncatchable catch.  you never know.

i’ve let the apartment turn into a total wreck.  there is still a pile of ornaments in the corner, sitting in our tree stand.  it will take me three minutes to put them in a storage tub and stick them in a closet, just as soon as i get the motivation.  the dishwasher is full and clean and the dirty dishes are starting to pile up in the sink.  the kitchen table is covered in mail.  it’s all just clutter, i could get rid of it in an hour, if i had an hour of energy to give.  i don’t have any reason whatsoever to be so tired.  

right now i have a headache right behind my eyeballs and it could be from a) not wearing my glasses for months and all of a sudden wearing them again, b) not drinking coffee for a month, then drinking some the past two days, then not having any today until i realized i had a headache, buying some and throwing most of it away because peet’s coffee is terrible, or c) my sinuses, because i can tell i have crazy post-nasal drip right now.  hurray for swallowing snot.  

um, i forgot say a long time ago that my dad had some kind of issue with his kidneys that is apparently all better now.  it was from taking too much advil?  now he’s a tylenol man.  as far as i know he’s still taking anti-seizure meds from whatever episode he had last year where he blacked out while driving and messed up his car.  speaking of my dad, he has been overly generous recently.  after they visited, he decided he wanted to buy us a laptop.  we mentioned while they were here that we were going to buy one of the older macbook pros, because the new ones came out and the old ones were cheaper.  he’d just bought a new macbook pro and let us play with it.  so i guess he decided we should have the new one, and bought it for us.  it got here today.  it’s still in the box, i wanted to wait for john to get home to open it.  then, in the same conversation, he told us he wanted to give us some money.  just money, just for saving, investing, whatever.  well, not whatever, he did specify that this is not spending money.  but yeah, money.  i think he visited us, saw how tiny our apartment is, and thought it was silly for us to have to budget while he has so much extra money.  john and i also think that he’s in a position in life where he gets serious enjoyment out of taking care of his kids.  it’s no skin of his back to write a couple checks, and if it makes a huge difference for us and makes him happy, why not?  anyway, this mark is very different from the one i knew ten years ago.  

well, john is slowly on his way home from work.  he stopped at the puma store downtown to get some shoes, leaving the store only find out that a massive protest had formed at the powell street muni station.  this protest was supposed to be at civic center station, but it either moved or spilled over.  oh, it was about the man who was shot, while face down on the ground, by a bart officer on new year’s day.  there are like five different videos taken by bystanders clearly showing that the shot was unprovoked.  people are obviously pissed.  the officer, after shooting the man, puts his hand on his head like, “oh crap, did i really just shoot that guy?” and some people think he was going for his taser, not his gun, but they are on opposite sides of his belt.  whatever, it’s tragic from every angle.  right, so they’re completely blocking the entrance down into the station and the buses aren’t running down that stretch of market, so john is having to be creative to find a way home.

that’s it.

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One Response

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  1. Rosey Posey said, on January 13, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Insane that you are living in the middle of a CNN story…ya’ll be careful especially since he is walking through all of it. I am so jealous of your computer. I am shuffling between mine and Dale’s old laptops (mine is from 2004 and his is 2006). Mine has all the Microsoft office stuff and sound but the internet is ridiculously slow. Dale’s has faster internet but no Microsoft applications or sound or USB function – it’s marvelous. Cheers to being jobless! Good luck with the teaching. I think it’s awesome that you are so frank about your motherhood and career aspirations. I feel so many women feel ashamed to feel as you do when in actuality you are being responsible and realistic. Being a mother is a full-time committment and I don’t think a lot of ppl our age get that. I think you’re going to be an awesome mom and teacher, and I admire you for knowing exactly what you want. 🙂


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