[full of it]

some words, a goal

Posted in Uncategorized by susieyarbs on January 15, 2009

i am going to write everyday.  i’m not “going to try to write everyday for a week/month/year.”  i am actually going to do it, and maybe not always here, but somewhere.  because this is what writers do, they write.  no no no i’m not a writer, but maybe i’d like to be.  i’ve kicked around the idea of writing a thing, or writing for a purpose or towards some goal, but i’ve always felt like that’s a dangerous thing to say.  “i want to be a writer” is along the lines of “i want to be an artist” and when you say it they might roll their eyes a bit and think well, good for you, but you’ll never make a living off of that.  and saying “i am a writer” before people have paid to read your words is like moving to la and saying, “i’m an actor” but really you’re a waitress.  or maybe, for me, saying that i want to be a writer is setting up some sort of expectation for myself, making the claim means i’ll actually have to do it, and having to do it means it might be bad, and would i be able to shrug it off and move on if it was bad.

i don’t know the first thing about writing.  i mean, about writing about something that didn’t happen to me.  but i’ve never tried, so who knows.   anyway, i’ve gotten good feedback from a couple good friends who’ve read what i’ve written here, and wouldn’t it be silly not to at least try something?  or finish something?  or figure out what to do with it when i do finish?  or get actual opinions?  i guess what i’m trying to say is, it might seem like a baby step to say, “i’d like to be a writer,” but it isn’t.  and i’d like to be.  see, i can’t even say that i want to, i have to use the very passive, very safe, i would like.  i would like to, but i’m just so busy, but i can’t.  no, i do want to.  want!  

so here’s a story for you:

yesterday i got home from work and took the dog out to pee.  as i was walking around to the back of the apartment, a man was walking towards me with a dog and a kangaroo on a leash.  tippy barked when we walked past him.  while tippy was sniffing for a spot, the kangaroo, which had apparently gotten free from its leash, hopped by us and up to the apartment building.  in one hop, it got all the way up to our 8th floor open window, tried to scramble in, and fell back down.  i yelled up to john, to warn him that a kangaroo was trying to get into our apartment.  he didn’t hear.  on the next hop it got in.  i ran inside; tippy didn’t get to pee.  by the time i got up there, the kangaroo had trashed our apartment and john had a black eye and was in the bathroom hiding from the thing.  it was standing on the couch.  we looked at each other, then it jumped out the window.  now john has a steak on his face and i’m sweeping up glass.

no ok that was a dream.  but, really, i was dreaming and john woke me up to say goodbye and my seven-am-self mumbled out some nonsense to the above effect.  fucking kangaroos.  

in real news, yesterday i talked to rachel posey on the phone for almost two hours.  more than two hours?  who cares, it was awesome.  what a delightful little lady.  how rare to have a good friend who can really understand your position because she’s in it too.  we both recently moved to new cities where we know no one but our husband/fiance, we both are job hunting (although rachel is moving forward in her career and i’m looking for just about anything that’ll give me money to show up).  we are parallel; we could hold hands in the middle.

one more thing: yesterday was my first whole day of volunteering.  i was nervous about the class she teaches in spanish, but i was surprised by how well i could understand her.  i couldn’t understand anything the kids said.  i’m one of very few white people in the school, including the teaching staff.  there was a fire drill and while everyone was out on the basketball court it was very apparent.  the kids are mostly very sweet.  one of the 8th grade girls had dropped out because she was pregnant. i helped an african kid named uzoma draw tectonic plates.  one girl (selena, i think) would say my name and giggle every time i walked by.  shantel apologized to me for how bad the class was but explained that they’re always that way.  it was a good time.

that’s it.


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